Doujinshi?
by Small Bombs
Summary: "AmaAnge..." He read out loud. "That's funny, it's like..." Crack-ish one-shot.


_And this is why I never write crack. Inspired in Rifyu's comic:_ danbooru . donmai .us/post/show/610554/4koma-amakusa_juuza-comic-hachijo_toya-rifyu-trans

* * *

"Amakusa, what are you...?"

"Shh... I've never played with one of these..."

Ange looked over her bodyguard's shoulder, just to see Hachijo's expensive personal computer. Amakusa chuckled whenever the cursor would slide across the screen at his command and didn't seem to have complete control over it just yet, much to Ange's amazement.

"What... you're telling me you've never used a computer before? It's 1998..."

"Well, my job doesn't require it. I know about that internet thing that is really useful, too, but I'm sticking to the old reliable phone for communications..."

"Just like an old man." He grinned, too used to her abusive words to even care. "It's still not right to use her computer, though."

"Oh, you know what they say. Out of sight, out of mind."

Ange crossed her arms across her chest. She couldn't care less— She had used computers in the past and knew what they were about. Still, she felt uneasy leaving Amakusa alone to probably make it explode, and the way his eyes would widen whenever something new happened amused her.

"You're like a kid." He laughed, making space for her to sit by his side.

"You're going to have to pick one, lady. Am I an old man or...?"

"How does man-child sound?"

"Hahahaha, sounds just fine!"

Ange almost laughed along. Almost.

"So what is this supposed to do...?"

"That's a folder."

"Oh..."

"You save stuff in it."

"Stuff?"

Ange rolled her eyes and guided his hand to double click on the icon.

"Uwah! Something appeared!"

"Pf..." Ange had to hold back— It really was too funny, seeing a big guy like him shocked by the simplest things. "Tha... That's the folder, idiot."

"Respect your elders, will you?" She chuckled again, and saw him slide the cursor over some files. "It looks like this folder thing has a bunch of folders inside anyway..."

"No, no, those are pictures. And those over there are text files. There can be other folders though... like those over there." She pointed on the screen. "But don't click on anything— We're invading her privacy enough as it is."

"Fine, fine... You know a lot about this, don't you?"

"Just the basics. It's not that hard really, it's kinda like a desk with organi... Wait."

Amakusa stopped in his tracks at her order and grinned: Her eyes were set on one of the icons.

"Oh. 'Novels', huh..." She tried to take control of the mouse again, but he raised it in the air. "Nooo way, Ange-san, you just said we shouldn't..."

"Tch, shut up, shut up, I take it back, okay?" She stole the mouse away from him and quickly opened the folder. "If that woman is writing something new about the Rokkenjima incident, I have to know..."

"You're just like a kid." He imitated in a sing-song voice.

Ange ignored him and examined the contents: There was a bunch of text archives with nonsensical names spread all over the place— Was that woman really so disorganized or was that some sort of bizarre way to protect her files? Ange got more and more irritated as she uselessly tried to make some sense out of it, until finally, in the middle of all that mess, she saw a single, half-hidden folder.

"AmaAnge..." He read out loud. "That's funny, it's like..."

"... A combination of our names."

"That's not possible, though. I don't think anyone besides you and Okonogi-san knows my name in this country..." He tensed up and his brow furrowed. "This could be dangerous. Maybe some information filtrated? If that's it then..."

"People could know our location." He nodded and Ange clicked on the icon. "There are more inside... What is 'fic' supposed to mean?"

"'Illust' is self explanatory, but... 'doujinshi'?"

"That means fan comic."

"My Japanese isn't _that_ rusty."

There were only so many folders they could wonder about though, and eventually Ange clicked on the 'Illust' one.

"Pictures... well, that's to be expected, but..."

"Hey, I look so _cool _in this one~!" Ange tsked.

"_Focus_ will you. Do you realize that this means that information _did_ filtrate? Kasumi may know of our next destination, or even more. I mean look at those— they know exactly how we look and...!"

"I get it, I get it. Maybe we're being followed." Amakusa clicked his tongue as well: The blame would fall on him if that turned out to be true. "I'll try to contact Okonogi-san, wait here."

Or that was the plan, until Ange made a muffled sound— The girl covered her mouth with her hand, trying to hide her shocked expression even as she muttered under her breath:

"What... wha..."

"What is it, lad...?"

"Don't come here!"

"...Huh?"

"Just... go... and call..."

Her attitude only made him more curious though, eyes wide and face redder than her hair— Oh that had to be _good_.

"Heh..."

Sneaking behind her was easy enough... Yet nothing could prepare him for _that_—

"... Whoa! That's...!"

"...! I told you to...! Don't look!"

It was too late, though, and even if she slapped him and covered his eyes with her hands, the picture was engraved in his mind.

On the computer screen, the_ doujinshi _folder was open.

And one of the pictures...

"Hihihihahaha~ Ange-san, someone was expecting too much of you~! Your boobs will never be _that_ big— Gah!"

"Shut up. You. _Shut. Up."_

"The thighs look about right though~!"

"Amakusa, I swear— Wait, what are you...! ?"

Unfortunately for Ange, her bodyguard was both stronger and faster and easily pushed her aside— Too bad he wasn't quite as dexterous with the computer.

"D-damn it... what am I supposed to do to— Uwah!"

"Don't look, you...!"

He had successfully opened one of the pictures and only managed to steal a glance before Ange covered his eyes again, grabbing him so hard that he almost fell off the chair trying to free himself.

"T-that was me...!"

"No. Forget about it. _Forget_..."

"But that was me and y...!"

"_No_."

"Ange-san." He stopped struggling, tone completely serious. "You must let me see that picture."

"No."

"Ange-san if you don't... If you don't— I'll _die_." Ange tsked when he started fighting back again, and she had to pull his hair to keep him under control.

"Y... you've got it backwards, Amakusa...! If you see that picture _I'll have to kill you_." He growled, and Ange felt him slipping out of her arms. "Stay still! I'm going to delete that... that thing and then—!"

"What is this?"

Amakusa finally stopped fighting her hands, but neither really care anymore. Completely frozen in their spots, they saw Hachijo enter the room, expression calm even though her eyes were sharp as ever.

"Such naughty pieces."

"... Pieces?" He repeated, and Ange made him shut up with a shush.

"Fine. You caught us. But this— What _is_ all of this... this...?"

"... porn?" He finished, just to receive another hair pull. "Ow— it's porn isn't it! ?"

"Shut _up_... Why do you have this in your computer? How is it possible that someone knows so much information of us? Are we known across the internet? Do you know how dangerous is this for us! ?"

"Fuh... fufufu... Oh, aren't you just mad because someone out there is making dirty pictures of you?"

"You...!" Ange's cheeks flared up, and she was about to charge forward when Amakusa raised his hand.

"Ok, question. Why do you have _these_ kind of pictures anyway? I mean, we're not talking about summer vacation pictures you know..."

"Y-yeah." Ange crossed her arms, recovering from her little tantrum. "How twisted are you?"

For the first time, Hachijo's smile wavered, just to fix itself seconds later.

"You won't understand. You are mere humans, after all." She raised her chin like a queen talking to her subordinates. "There are some fragments where we are fictional, you see..."

"_Excuse me_?"

"I think Hachijo-san is losing it, lady."

"Fufu." She walked a few steps forward, and Amakusa pulled back almost on reflex. "You truly are a troublesome piece, boy. I know you are the one who started this— Then again, I guess you'll get your just desserts later in many other fragments."

"Ok, what?"

"Sadly, this one is of no use thanks to my little slip-up, but since I'm kind, I'll tell you this." The writer looked at Ange, who was just as confused as her bodyguard. "You can't trust anyone in this world. And you... check your gun before shooting that one special target, I guess~"

Both opened their mouths at the same time— Yet their words never reached Hachijo, as she snapped her fingers and time stopped for them. The witch clapped her hands, as if satisfied, and soon enough another one joined her:

"It sure takes nothing to amuse you."

"You're the one that is too difficult to entertain... Learn to enjoy the simple things in life."

Bernkastel didn't react at Hachijo's loving hands caressing her hair, eyes fixed on the witch's two frozen victims.

"AmaAnge? Seriously?" Hachijo smiled at her disdainful tone. "I didn't think you'd be the shipping fan kind."

"Well, what can I say, Pixiv is a terrifying site... You found my weakness."

"Whatever. Be more careful next time— Oh, but what am I saying? It's not like you didn't do it on purpose or anything." Bern's yawn accompanied Hachijo's laugh, and she clapped her hands again.

"Good, good, my miko. You know me better than anyone. They're a fun pair to play with so I just couldn't resist..."

"Yeah, yeah. Just make sure you clean your mess."

"Fufu, of course."

* * *

"... Uh..."

Her head hurt.

Thankfully, only the light of the sunset was illuminating the room, so she didn't feel any dizzier when she opened her eyes.

"Are you awake, lady?"

Oh, she knew that voice. She also knew that feeling— Why was she so disoriented, _again_...?

"Amakusa, where are we?"

"Oh, you're lost again, miss?" He said that in his usual mocking tone and sat by her side. "We're in Hachijo-san's house, remember?"

Oh right... They had been talking about her novels, hadn't they? And then decided to take a break...

Ange sighed, relieved. What a stupid dream that was.

"Where is she? I'd like to keep reading."

"She said she'd go out for a while. She didn't say where, though, or when she'd come back. She sure is a mysterious lady." Ange shrugged, and laid back on the sofa again. "Oh, hey, is that a computer?"

"..." Ange's eyes snapped open "What did you say?"

"A computer. I've never played with one of those..."

Ange's eyes widened, and before Amakusa could stand up, she pulled his jacket.

"Don't."

"Huh? Ange-sa...?"

"_Don't_."

"But that's unfair. I've never used one because my job doesn't require it, can't I just...?"

Ange cringed at those words— No way, no way, no_ way_...

"I'll double your pay if you don't touch that thing."

"... Huh?"

"Just listen to me."

Amakusa shrugged and sat back on the sofa without noticing Ange's agitated expression.

It couldn't be. No. There was no way in hell anyone would be sick enough to...

"Where are you going?" Amakusa almost rolled his eyes.

"You sure are demanding today, lady. I think one of my guns is stuck and I wanted to check on it."

"... Did that woman tell you about it?" He shrugged.

"You are really weird today... No, she didn't. Now if you excuse me..."

It was a trick, right? It _had to be._

A tasteless prank by those witches, surely. There was no way that anyone would be crazy enough to pair them up, after all, not even in the craziest of fragments.

... R- right?


End file.
